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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Maryland is mostly South

NORTHERN vs. SOUTHERN FOOTBALL

	NORTH:	South:
Women's Accessories:	ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.	Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of Captain Morgan/Crown. Money is not necessary - that's whatdates are for.
Stadium Size:	College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.	High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Campus Decor:	Statues of founding fathers.	Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:	Also physics major.	Also Miss America.
Cheerleaders:	If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.	You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.
Getting Tickets:	5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.	5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus & put name on the waiting list.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:	Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.	Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:	An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.	RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:	A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.	Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north.
Tailgating:	Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.	30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who comes over during breaks and asks for a hit off bottle ofbourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:	You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.	When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions:	Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.	Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for Captain Morgan/Crown.
When National Anthem is Played:	Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.	100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air after the First Score:	Nothing changes.	Fireworks, with a touch of Captain Morgan/Crown.
Commentary (Male):	"Nice play."	"D@mmit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!"
Commentary (Female):	"My, this certainly is a violent sport."	"D@mmit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!"
Announcers:	Neutral and paid.	Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:	The stadium is empty way before the game ends.	Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.
		"Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!!" - Marrily

| E-MAIL Real King of France at 8/17/2005 12:02:00 PM PERMLINK (4) |

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Comments:

"I did not vote for Obama but he is remarkable. In less than three weeks in office he has collected more than $150,000 in back taxes."
Gayle Miller

Very entertaining, thanks!
As Notre Dame fans tailgating from the back of our mini-van, we were drooling over the Stanford fans idea of tailgate parties. Yep, bbq grills, top 'o the line motor homes, tables/chairs,patio umbrellas, martinis/champagne. PLUS, we took a miserable beating that day. Ah well, maybe if the Captain had been making it happen for us, it wouldn't have been so bad. Go South!!

# posted by

Anonymous : 8/17/2005 12:25:00 PM

~

Fireworks, with a touch of Captain Morgan/Crown.

LOL.....Perfect!

Gotta forward this to few folks.

# posted by

Anonymous : 8/17/2005 01:58:00 PM

~

Now, if one replaces the Captain Morgan with "Grain Belt" beer or possibly some "Coor's Original Banquet Lager" to chase down the raw whiskey...then add the smell of cattle feed lots, corn silage and the slaughter house floor...spice it up with seas of red jerseys, well, ya' got the Nebraska Corn Huskers.

# posted by

Anonymous : 8/17/2005 07:52:00 PM

~

Obviously you've never experienced Michigan Football where even back when the official capacity of the stadium was only 101 THOUSAND the attendance was never less than 103 THOUSAND... Now that capacity is around 107 thousand they still get no fewer than 108 thousand in the stadium. ...and a five month waiting list...try a ten year waiting list for season tickets. Hell even Ohio State has better footbal then those pansy schools down south

# posted by

Anonymous : 8/18/2005 10:19:00 AM

~

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